Sometimes you can't fix it.....

Remembering the story of the man & the hammer I can see how I just look for the devistation if it isn't there. Here I am again in a fix and no apparent solution. Losing what I really want and setting myself up for it all along. Maker of my own mysery.

This afternoon was like a haze. Thick & choking as I breathed it in. So many moments of my life tearing through my mind as I lay there frozen.Just wanting to sink into oblivion. I must miss mysery when it isn't there. I need courage to carry on to something different. I want to quit. I want to lay down and succumb. I cannot and probably wont. I will suck it up and try to find resolve for some change.

Sometimes you just can't fix it. And lack of power is not my best suit. I write when I feel like my head will explode. I could give a shit less about attention and I do not want consolation. Pain , agony & hurt always drive me to address what should be obvious. I will have to suck it up and watch her go. I deserve to see that look in her eyes. That look that reveals a deep hurt I know I manufactured. I was the architect with my stupidity.

My actions shake everything I think I know about myself. To sink back and be so treacherous with anothers investment in me. Someone who sees value and the best of me.
Do you know me.....really?
I thought I did and then I fool even myself. Callous and uncaring . Not on purpose , but it doesn't even matter. A heart hurts no matter the intention.
Sometimes you just cant fix it. Fuck !