Voids

Funny how you can wake to the experience of a void. For seemingly no apparent reason it finds you in the night. I label it the thief of joy, this one anyway. It is the void I identify as a liar. Leaching onto my soul it would serve to destroy me and those I love.

Searching for the truth inside, the calm that comes from God. That peace that assures me I am not in danger nor am I in a struggle. The uneasiness & emptiness it cho0ses to harness are the pathways it chooses to attack. It is a feign though. It really has no power. it has not the strength to match what I have at my disposal.

Oh but it is a deciever. It would have a soul believe it is surrounded. When fear or self sufficiency creeps in it becomes bold. To bolt and run is a mistake, for then the void can attack my flanks. With the advantage I give at this point it can summon older familiar foes.

No! The proper strategy is to denounce. To fire the torch and shed light on the truth. To see he is but a skinny putrid animal. To remember who I belong to and who surrounds me. With the torch lit it is easier to see the angels surrounding the void. Only having waited for me to summon.

They easily disperse him and leave me to my joy. The struggle I am in is of my own choosing I learn once again. I made the decision long ago and a pact with the one who is all. he honors all promises. He never abandones and has forces available at all moments to protect. Faith & surrender are all that is needed to call upon him. As the void retreats it is easy to rest and find humor in the ordeal.

The comedy of the weakness. The absolute rediculousness of his attack. Foolhardy as it may seem it wins often. It wins in the dark & through deception. Deception of strength & numbers. In the light it is weak and harmless. Having shooed him away I can now relax. Washed with the joy of companionship & full protection.

Heartache

Heartache for him
I cant stand to hear that tone
The tone in a voice that cant be masked
That tells so much
Betrays a sadness from deep

Feeling my own failure well up
Moments flashing through my mind
My failures with him
That slap across his face when he cussed me
That moment I should have asked him to stay

Remembering his fever
That night I took him for care
Him looking at me and telling me
"Dad I'm scared"
Being composed in that moment of his fear but afraid

I'm in hole and cant get out
Its hopeless
I'm a fuckup I guess
I try and try and but something always happens
Just smoke some more weed and figure it out

When I see this all goin down
And his eventual flight back to where a man can really sink
I cant help but feel failure in myself
Somehow it comes down to the sins of the Father
My Father never lived long enough to feel it.

It matters not what people say
Or how they will tell you how good you are
You know somewhere deep it comes down to some failure
Doesn't help though
We can never go back and change a moment if we found it

All I can do is move forward
Live this moment and be my best
Love him for who he is
Be there the best I can and allow him to find his way
And hope God gives him my Grace

I will mortgage any future grace I have left for his sake
I will gladly give him all my breaks I have left
I pray God will lead him to that leap
That leap into his heart
To find what God wrote there

I saw it but my interpretation of it doesn't matter
Its his Journey and his quest
One day he will know who he truly is
I am a loving man , living with purpose, worthy of Gods love and grace!