Remembering the story of the man & the hammer I can see how I just look for the devistation if it isn't there. Here I am again in a fix and no apparent solution. Losing what I really want and setting myself up for it all along. Maker of my own mysery.
This afternoon was like a haze. Thick & choking as I breathed it in. So many moments of my life tearing through my mind as I lay there frozen.Just wanting to sink into oblivion. I must miss mysery when it isn't there. I need courage to carry on to something different. I want to quit. I want to lay down and succumb. I cannot and probably wont. I will suck it up and try to find resolve for some change.
Sometimes you just can't fix it. And lack of power is not my best suit. I write when I feel like my head will explode. I could give a shit less about attention and I do not want consolation. Pain , agony & hurt always drive me to address what should be obvious. I will have to suck it up and watch her go. I deserve to see that look in her eyes. That look that reveals a deep hurt I know I manufactured. I was the architect with my stupidity.
My actions shake everything I think I know about myself. To sink back and be so treacherous with anothers investment in me. Someone who sees value and the best of me.
Do you know me.....really?
I thought I did and then I fool even myself. Callous and uncaring . Not on purpose , but it doesn't even matter. A heart hurts no matter the intention.
Sometimes you just cant fix it. Fuck !
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I remember.............
Watching Oral Hershiser on "poker after dark" got me thinking. I was at the park in San Diego the night he set the record for scoreless innings pitched. He pitched 9 innings and I can remember the press on the field as they briefly stopped the game as he came out. Andy hawkins pitched 10 scoreless innings that night but the Pads had to win it in the 16th on a Mark Parent homerun. I could not stand Hershiser then...he played for the hated Dodgers. Looking back I am really glad to say I saw him pitch and he was truly great.
I remember Kenny stabler leading my Raiders and winning the Super Bowl in 76. He was and still is the coolest QB I ever saw. I think he knew how to appreciate the moment. He was never flustered and was in total command. The only player that ever made me wish I could be left handed.
I remember Earl cambell instantly making me an Oilers fan in 77. Those "Luv ya blue" days were the bomb. They taught me to love even without the prize in sports. In 1980 they got Stabler from the Raiders and I could not believe it though that team was never the same as the 78-79 squads. I believe in 1983 Cambell was traded to New Orleans. His last game was on MNF against the Cowboys. Late in the game he took a pitch wide from the 3 yrd line and I was dumbfounded when a corner from the Cowboys cut him down at the 2.It was one of the saddest moments in sports for me. I knew that was it and was not surprised a week later when he retired. He was the man though for a few years and there will never be another like him.
The 1983 Nebraska Cornhuskers...the best team in my opinion to ever put on pads in College ball. Lost the Championship because they would not have it in a tie. Went for 2 to earn it outright. Osborne finally was redeemed in the 90's with some great teams but the 83 squad was it for me.
My Celtics of the 80's. Larry Bird made me a Celtics fan. I am so glad I saw his whole career. That frontline was handsdown the best ever on hardwood. In 1985 they lost in 6 games to the Lakers but i was never more impressed. Parrish hobbled the whole series. Mchale had horrible injury. Those Lakers were the bomb even though I hated em. Larry Bird...the man who never leaned over to help an opponent off the floor. If you never see another clip of him there is one game that personifies him. He cracks his cheekbone on a flat out dive for the ball in the 2nd qtr. The trainers and Red will not let him come back after halftime. He argues with them and after pretty much tellin them to get ^%$#@* he comes out late in the 3rd to a standing ovation. He doesn't disappoint . But of course he never did !
Just a few things I remember.
Common theme for me. I have valued the most from men and teams who represented in losses . I have tried to pick myself up and learn from loss. I do believe it is where we can earn respect.
I remember Kenny stabler leading my Raiders and winning the Super Bowl in 76. He was and still is the coolest QB I ever saw. I think he knew how to appreciate the moment. He was never flustered and was in total command. The only player that ever made me wish I could be left handed.
I remember Earl cambell instantly making me an Oilers fan in 77. Those "Luv ya blue" days were the bomb. They taught me to love even without the prize in sports. In 1980 they got Stabler from the Raiders and I could not believe it though that team was never the same as the 78-79 squads. I believe in 1983 Cambell was traded to New Orleans. His last game was on MNF against the Cowboys. Late in the game he took a pitch wide from the 3 yrd line and I was dumbfounded when a corner from the Cowboys cut him down at the 2.It was one of the saddest moments in sports for me. I knew that was it and was not surprised a week later when he retired. He was the man though for a few years and there will never be another like him.
The 1983 Nebraska Cornhuskers...the best team in my opinion to ever put on pads in College ball. Lost the Championship because they would not have it in a tie. Went for 2 to earn it outright. Osborne finally was redeemed in the 90's with some great teams but the 83 squad was it for me.
My Celtics of the 80's. Larry Bird made me a Celtics fan. I am so glad I saw his whole career. That frontline was handsdown the best ever on hardwood. In 1985 they lost in 6 games to the Lakers but i was never more impressed. Parrish hobbled the whole series. Mchale had horrible injury. Those Lakers were the bomb even though I hated em. Larry Bird...the man who never leaned over to help an opponent off the floor. If you never see another clip of him there is one game that personifies him. He cracks his cheekbone on a flat out dive for the ball in the 2nd qtr. The trainers and Red will not let him come back after halftime. He argues with them and after pretty much tellin them to get ^%$#@* he comes out late in the 3rd to a standing ovation. He doesn't disappoint . But of course he never did !
Just a few things I remember.
Common theme for me. I have valued the most from men and teams who represented in losses . I have tried to pick myself up and learn from loss. I do believe it is where we can earn respect.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Being accountable
Being Accountable..........
Being accountable for yourself sucks. It means I have to look at my own choices and face them. It means I have to look at the situations I put myself in and own them. On the flips side I can take credit for good choices. I like that part...will want to spread that news.
It helps to be accountable and make better choices if and when I am honest with those around me. Especially before the fact. Truth is usually I know inside...I feel that uneasiness inside...the feeling I usually ignore....the one that nearly always forewarns
Being accountable also places the responsibility squarely on me to help myself succeed once i find out what i want.
If i want to be free , quit jailing myself
If i want to stop hurting, stop doing hurtful things or putting myself in hurtful situations
If i dont want my heart stomped, quit laying it out to people unable to nurture it
If I dont want to be obsessed with someone, cut to the chase and stop seeing them.. communicating...giving them space..find other thoughts more productive
If I am tired of not feeling valued,,,spend time with those who value me.
If i hurt,,,spend time listening to anothers pain.
If I am tired of lying to myself...start being true and listen to the honesty within.
I am not unique. I am not very different at all.
I am accountable for me. Even God will not release me from myself I have figured out. At that point of being willing to let go...there is freedom. I went through a process once called " The Grey room". During this process i remember how scary it was to go from the pain I am in to the unknown. I will never forget that LEAP from the grey room... a leap of total faith. The freedom i felt. The freedom was from my control..into the unknown.When I leap from the Grey room...God never lets me fall...at that point of total release of control for my destiny God can begin to shape and guide my life
Being accountable for yourself sucks. It means I have to look at my own choices and face them. It means I have to look at the situations I put myself in and own them. On the flips side I can take credit for good choices. I like that part...will want to spread that news.
It helps to be accountable and make better choices if and when I am honest with those around me. Especially before the fact. Truth is usually I know inside...I feel that uneasiness inside...the feeling I usually ignore....the one that nearly always forewarns
Being accountable also places the responsibility squarely on me to help myself succeed once i find out what i want.
If i want to be free , quit jailing myself
If i want to stop hurting, stop doing hurtful things or putting myself in hurtful situations
If i dont want my heart stomped, quit laying it out to people unable to nurture it
If I dont want to be obsessed with someone, cut to the chase and stop seeing them.. communicating...giving them space..find other thoughts more productive
If I am tired of not feeling valued,,,spend time with those who value me.
If i hurt,,,spend time listening to anothers pain.
If I am tired of lying to myself...start being true and listen to the honesty within.
I am not unique. I am not very different at all.
I am accountable for me. Even God will not release me from myself I have figured out. At that point of being willing to let go...there is freedom. I went through a process once called " The Grey room". During this process i remember how scary it was to go from the pain I am in to the unknown. I will never forget that LEAP from the grey room... a leap of total faith. The freedom i felt. The freedom was from my control..into the unknown.When I leap from the Grey room...God never lets me fall...at that point of total release of control for my destiny God can begin to shape and guide my life
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