Living in the middle

Living in the middle has always been the challenge for me. Give me bliss or chaos and i know what to do it seems. Maybe it goes all the way back to when I lived in the middle. There was disruption and dysfunction going on I guess but for me it seemed life was good.

I had friends. A small town , my dog, my horse and plenty of adventure to be found in the woods and the creek beds. I loved the movie "Tibetheria" ( spellcheck). I had my own world when I was young. When I was in the top of a huge pine tree I was always scouting. I had my fort at a point where 2 ravines conjoined.

When that came to an abrupt halt it seemed I had to return to reality. The reality was a new school, new people & a new culture really. I made due with what was before me and found a friend in drink & dope. The fall was long & hard but make no mistake it was always a downward spiral.

Years spent trying to control chaos created in my pursuit. The pursuit was always a confusing thing. never clearly defined. That uneasiness and sorrow that comes from deep inside that seems to always need suppressing. A never ending journey with the goal to not feel what pained me. To numb my soul. To become someone different because of the pain I felt in my own skin.

Grace was granted in 1984 when I was able to get clean. Still a huge miracle when I look back. So I have spent 25 years living in this world without drink or dope. The chaos has not been as traumatic or as constant. I have learned how to cope to some extent with life as it comes. I have experienced many highs life has.

I have the pride of a man who sees his son for the first time and marvels at the young soul who is his names sake. I have been blessed with my beautiful daughter and the sense of purpose that both bring. I have had some financial success ....had a business for 10 years. I have had the fortune to form some unbelievable relationships through the years!

I have the opportunities to serve in some unbelievable roles. To sit on a conference floor with recovering addicts from 100 regions spanning the globe representing a third of Texas. The humbling experience of it I will never forget. I have seen the dead walk rise and live again. I have seen this with my own eyes both in the rooms of recovery and elsewhere. It is the # 1 reason I believe in a loving God.

I have experience of horribly painful relationships. Bad break ups and disappointment in myself. I watched my business crash and burn. I have had the highs of new trucks and scooters and the experience of watching them go.

I usually know what to do with everything mentioned above. Its that dreaded middle ground that confuses me. The fact is life is about 90% lived in the middle. I am still learning how to tackle this. Its my biggest downfall. I think subconsciously I create about 80% of the chaos in my life because of inability to handle the middle. When idle it is a simpler task to create chaos than the highs from accomplishment.

I am still on a quest. That boy still lives inside. I found that out a few years ago. It was an amazing experience and huge surprise to find him. I can find adventure in life without the chaos. So living life today and trying to find my place I strive to not create chaos where there is none. Boredom is not a good enough excuse.