Living in the middle has always been the challenge for me. Give me bliss or chaos and i know what to do it seems. Maybe it goes all the way back to when I lived in the middle. There was disruption and dysfunction going on I guess but for me it seemed life was good.
I had friends. A small town , my dog, my horse and plenty of adventure to be found in the woods and the creek beds. I loved the movie "Tibetheria" ( spellcheck). I had my own world when I was young. When I was in the top of a huge pine tree I was always scouting. I had my fort at a point where 2 ravines conjoined.
When that came to an abrupt halt it seemed I had to return to reality. The reality was a new school, new people & a new culture really. I made due with what was before me and found a friend in drink & dope. The fall was long & hard but make no mistake it was always a downward spiral.
Years spent trying to control chaos created in my pursuit. The pursuit was always a confusing thing. never clearly defined. That uneasiness and sorrow that comes from deep inside that seems to always need suppressing. A never ending journey with the goal to not feel what pained me. To numb my soul. To become someone different because of the pain I felt in my own skin.
Grace was granted in 1984 when I was able to get clean. Still a huge miracle when I look back. So I have spent 25 years living in this world without drink or dope. The chaos has not been as traumatic or as constant. I have learned how to cope to some extent with life as it comes. I have experienced many highs life has.
I have the pride of a man who sees his son for the first time and marvels at the young soul who is his names sake. I have been blessed with my beautiful daughter and the sense of purpose that both bring. I have had some financial success ....had a business for 10 years. I have had the fortune to form some unbelievable relationships through the years!
I have the opportunities to serve in some unbelievable roles. To sit on a conference floor with recovering addicts from 100 regions spanning the globe representing a third of Texas. The humbling experience of it I will never forget. I have seen the dead walk rise and live again. I have seen this with my own eyes both in the rooms of recovery and elsewhere. It is the # 1 reason I believe in a loving God.
I have experience of horribly painful relationships. Bad break ups and disappointment in myself. I watched my business crash and burn. I have had the highs of new trucks and scooters and the experience of watching them go.
I usually know what to do with everything mentioned above. Its that dreaded middle ground that confuses me. The fact is life is about 90% lived in the middle. I am still learning how to tackle this. Its my biggest downfall. I think subconsciously I create about 80% of the chaos in my life because of inability to handle the middle. When idle it is a simpler task to create chaos than the highs from accomplishment.
I am still on a quest. That boy still lives inside. I found that out a few years ago. It was an amazing experience and huge surprise to find him. I can find adventure in life without the chaos. So living life today and trying to find my place I strive to not create chaos where there is none. Boredom is not a good enough excuse.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Sometimes you can't fix it.....
Remembering the story of the man & the hammer I can see how I just look for the devistation if it isn't there. Here I am again in a fix and no apparent solution. Losing what I really want and setting myself up for it all along. Maker of my own mysery.
This afternoon was like a haze. Thick & choking as I breathed it in. So many moments of my life tearing through my mind as I lay there frozen.Just wanting to sink into oblivion. I must miss mysery when it isn't there. I need courage to carry on to something different. I want to quit. I want to lay down and succumb. I cannot and probably wont. I will suck it up and try to find resolve for some change.
Sometimes you just can't fix it. And lack of power is not my best suit. I write when I feel like my head will explode. I could give a shit less about attention and I do not want consolation. Pain , agony & hurt always drive me to address what should be obvious. I will have to suck it up and watch her go. I deserve to see that look in her eyes. That look that reveals a deep hurt I know I manufactured. I was the architect with my stupidity.
My actions shake everything I think I know about myself. To sink back and be so treacherous with anothers investment in me. Someone who sees value and the best of me.
Do you know me.....really?
I thought I did and then I fool even myself. Callous and uncaring . Not on purpose , but it doesn't even matter. A heart hurts no matter the intention.
Sometimes you just cant fix it. Fuck !
This afternoon was like a haze. Thick & choking as I breathed it in. So many moments of my life tearing through my mind as I lay there frozen.Just wanting to sink into oblivion. I must miss mysery when it isn't there. I need courage to carry on to something different. I want to quit. I want to lay down and succumb. I cannot and probably wont. I will suck it up and try to find resolve for some change.
Sometimes you just can't fix it. And lack of power is not my best suit. I write when I feel like my head will explode. I could give a shit less about attention and I do not want consolation. Pain , agony & hurt always drive me to address what should be obvious. I will have to suck it up and watch her go. I deserve to see that look in her eyes. That look that reveals a deep hurt I know I manufactured. I was the architect with my stupidity.
My actions shake everything I think I know about myself. To sink back and be so treacherous with anothers investment in me. Someone who sees value and the best of me.
Do you know me.....really?
I thought I did and then I fool even myself. Callous and uncaring . Not on purpose , but it doesn't even matter. A heart hurts no matter the intention.
Sometimes you just cant fix it. Fuck !
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I remember.............
Watching Oral Hershiser on "poker after dark" got me thinking. I was at the park in San Diego the night he set the record for scoreless innings pitched. He pitched 9 innings and I can remember the press on the field as they briefly stopped the game as he came out. Andy hawkins pitched 10 scoreless innings that night but the Pads had to win it in the 16th on a Mark Parent homerun. I could not stand Hershiser then...he played for the hated Dodgers. Looking back I am really glad to say I saw him pitch and he was truly great.
I remember Kenny stabler leading my Raiders and winning the Super Bowl in 76. He was and still is the coolest QB I ever saw. I think he knew how to appreciate the moment. He was never flustered and was in total command. The only player that ever made me wish I could be left handed.
I remember Earl cambell instantly making me an Oilers fan in 77. Those "Luv ya blue" days were the bomb. They taught me to love even without the prize in sports. In 1980 they got Stabler from the Raiders and I could not believe it though that team was never the same as the 78-79 squads. I believe in 1983 Cambell was traded to New Orleans. His last game was on MNF against the Cowboys. Late in the game he took a pitch wide from the 3 yrd line and I was dumbfounded when a corner from the Cowboys cut him down at the 2.It was one of the saddest moments in sports for me. I knew that was it and was not surprised a week later when he retired. He was the man though for a few years and there will never be another like him.
The 1983 Nebraska Cornhuskers...the best team in my opinion to ever put on pads in College ball. Lost the Championship because they would not have it in a tie. Went for 2 to earn it outright. Osborne finally was redeemed in the 90's with some great teams but the 83 squad was it for me.
My Celtics of the 80's. Larry Bird made me a Celtics fan. I am so glad I saw his whole career. That frontline was handsdown the best ever on hardwood. In 1985 they lost in 6 games to the Lakers but i was never more impressed. Parrish hobbled the whole series. Mchale had horrible injury. Those Lakers were the bomb even though I hated em. Larry Bird...the man who never leaned over to help an opponent off the floor. If you never see another clip of him there is one game that personifies him. He cracks his cheekbone on a flat out dive for the ball in the 2nd qtr. The trainers and Red will not let him come back after halftime. He argues with them and after pretty much tellin them to get ^%$#@* he comes out late in the 3rd to a standing ovation. He doesn't disappoint . But of course he never did !
Just a few things I remember.
Common theme for me. I have valued the most from men and teams who represented in losses . I have tried to pick myself up and learn from loss. I do believe it is where we can earn respect.
I remember Kenny stabler leading my Raiders and winning the Super Bowl in 76. He was and still is the coolest QB I ever saw. I think he knew how to appreciate the moment. He was never flustered and was in total command. The only player that ever made me wish I could be left handed.
I remember Earl cambell instantly making me an Oilers fan in 77. Those "Luv ya blue" days were the bomb. They taught me to love even without the prize in sports. In 1980 they got Stabler from the Raiders and I could not believe it though that team was never the same as the 78-79 squads. I believe in 1983 Cambell was traded to New Orleans. His last game was on MNF against the Cowboys. Late in the game he took a pitch wide from the 3 yrd line and I was dumbfounded when a corner from the Cowboys cut him down at the 2.It was one of the saddest moments in sports for me. I knew that was it and was not surprised a week later when he retired. He was the man though for a few years and there will never be another like him.
The 1983 Nebraska Cornhuskers...the best team in my opinion to ever put on pads in College ball. Lost the Championship because they would not have it in a tie. Went for 2 to earn it outright. Osborne finally was redeemed in the 90's with some great teams but the 83 squad was it for me.
My Celtics of the 80's. Larry Bird made me a Celtics fan. I am so glad I saw his whole career. That frontline was handsdown the best ever on hardwood. In 1985 they lost in 6 games to the Lakers but i was never more impressed. Parrish hobbled the whole series. Mchale had horrible injury. Those Lakers were the bomb even though I hated em. Larry Bird...the man who never leaned over to help an opponent off the floor. If you never see another clip of him there is one game that personifies him. He cracks his cheekbone on a flat out dive for the ball in the 2nd qtr. The trainers and Red will not let him come back after halftime. He argues with them and after pretty much tellin them to get ^%$#@* he comes out late in the 3rd to a standing ovation. He doesn't disappoint . But of course he never did !
Just a few things I remember.
Common theme for me. I have valued the most from men and teams who represented in losses . I have tried to pick myself up and learn from loss. I do believe it is where we can earn respect.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Being accountable
Being Accountable..........
Being accountable for yourself sucks. It means I have to look at my own choices and face them. It means I have to look at the situations I put myself in and own them. On the flips side I can take credit for good choices. I like that part...will want to spread that news.
It helps to be accountable and make better choices if and when I am honest with those around me. Especially before the fact. Truth is usually I know inside...I feel that uneasiness inside...the feeling I usually ignore....the one that nearly always forewarns
Being accountable also places the responsibility squarely on me to help myself succeed once i find out what i want.
If i want to be free , quit jailing myself
If i want to stop hurting, stop doing hurtful things or putting myself in hurtful situations
If i dont want my heart stomped, quit laying it out to people unable to nurture it
If I dont want to be obsessed with someone, cut to the chase and stop seeing them.. communicating...giving them space..find other thoughts more productive
If I am tired of not feeling valued,,,spend time with those who value me.
If i hurt,,,spend time listening to anothers pain.
If I am tired of lying to myself...start being true and listen to the honesty within.
I am not unique. I am not very different at all.
I am accountable for me. Even God will not release me from myself I have figured out. At that point of being willing to let go...there is freedom. I went through a process once called " The Grey room". During this process i remember how scary it was to go from the pain I am in to the unknown. I will never forget that LEAP from the grey room... a leap of total faith. The freedom i felt. The freedom was from my control..into the unknown.When I leap from the Grey room...God never lets me fall...at that point of total release of control for my destiny God can begin to shape and guide my life
Being accountable for yourself sucks. It means I have to look at my own choices and face them. It means I have to look at the situations I put myself in and own them. On the flips side I can take credit for good choices. I like that part...will want to spread that news.
It helps to be accountable and make better choices if and when I am honest with those around me. Especially before the fact. Truth is usually I know inside...I feel that uneasiness inside...the feeling I usually ignore....the one that nearly always forewarns
Being accountable also places the responsibility squarely on me to help myself succeed once i find out what i want.
If i want to be free , quit jailing myself
If i want to stop hurting, stop doing hurtful things or putting myself in hurtful situations
If i dont want my heart stomped, quit laying it out to people unable to nurture it
If I dont want to be obsessed with someone, cut to the chase and stop seeing them.. communicating...giving them space..find other thoughts more productive
If I am tired of not feeling valued,,,spend time with those who value me.
If i hurt,,,spend time listening to anothers pain.
If I am tired of lying to myself...start being true and listen to the honesty within.
I am not unique. I am not very different at all.
I am accountable for me. Even God will not release me from myself I have figured out. At that point of being willing to let go...there is freedom. I went through a process once called " The Grey room". During this process i remember how scary it was to go from the pain I am in to the unknown. I will never forget that LEAP from the grey room... a leap of total faith. The freedom i felt. The freedom was from my control..into the unknown.When I leap from the Grey room...God never lets me fall...at that point of total release of control for my destiny God can begin to shape and guide my life
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